Mishaps in the Twlight Realm
by Thirteen Is My Lucky Number
Summary: Link, Epona and a few guest characters go on an adventure through the world of light, and the twilight realm. Retold by Thirteen is my Lucky Number and her special talents of hyperness.
1. Chapter 1: What's in the Chest?

The idea of me writing this came from my friend. It was originally going to be in another person's point of view, but I decided not to. I just started a new log on LOZTP and named it Link2… don't ask… but anyway….

This is a sassy outlook on the famous Zelda series. This one is only limited to the Twlight Princess, but, that's okay, because I still haven't beaten the game, but I shall have my friend help me with this.

Please, please, please, tell me if I have some grammar mistakes. (if I do, I shall fix them).

~This is probably gonna suck, but please, don't be mean. This is my first fan fiction alone, and with no help whatsoever.

If your small inadequate brain can handle reviewing, please do. (Most of you do unless you're a complete moron who forgets their name every 2 minutes)

Be nice, if at all possible…

And constructive crit. only please!

DISCLAIMER: I do not, SADLY, own The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. If I did, Link would be named Jill, and he would instead be a ninja.

--

I AM LINK! The vicious pumpkin masher and the guru of chicken throwing! Welcome to my world.

Blackness was all around me. Nothingness surrounded my pupils. Where was I? Oh yes, my house. Tis a gloomy place, in my opinion.

I sat there in my bed, comfortably, lying there with no disturbances. I was thinking about last night, sitting there talking with Rusl, by the springs. It was EXHAUSTING. (Even though I didn't talk.) I mean, learning all that stuff he was telling me, which I, once again, do not remember, was physically and mentally draining.

"HEEEY!" My employer yelled at me from down below.  
"Ga aah," I thought to myself, "He found me… I was comfortable, lying here… doing NOTHING."

"ARE YOU UP?!"

There was a chance of getting fired if I didn't get up and answer my money-giver's calls. So, basically, I had no choice- but to get up and go outside.

"CAN YOU HERD SOME GOATS?"

"AAH…. Not again! I hate work." I silently spoke inside of myself.

So, naturally, not speaking at all… I climbed down the ladder and jumped onto the ground.

"Where's Epona?!"

"Ah, great. Ilia took her again." I walked down to the springs where I would normally find this horse-stealing girl to see her with my ride to the ranch. If only I had an option to jump her…

"Oh hi Link…."

"Like it's a surprise to see me here… I come out here every freaking day to find you here with my horsie."

The usual… "I cleaned Epona for you, Link…" and "Be nice to her, Link."

Gawd.

Shut up.

The usual scene went through and I had no choice but to stand there and be amazed by her 'beauty'…

I walked back, with my horse, to find only that he was gone . But, the children were there. I like the children, except for the blond one, who's like 11 and I'm 17 which is kinda weird because she has some kind of munchkin crush on me.

"Could you herd those goats for me?"

Of course. It's my job. _Goat-Herder._

My hands gripped tight to Epona's reigns. Faster! Faster! We must get the goats into the big square thing called a barn!

Goat in! Goat in!

Score. 10 Link. 0 goats.

"Thanks, Link. Want me to-"

"Please not the fences…"

"-Set up the fences for you?"

"Crap."

Once again- I had to jump over the fences. Day after day he made me jump!

Maybe he likes me to jump.

Maybe he has a plan of kidnapping me and then he's teaching me to jump so I can escape so it's more of a challenge for him.

Maybe he's gay.

I got to my house to find those little munchkins there again. Only if I could mall them…

But not the little one because he never did anything wrong… Nor their sibling, either. They're a pretty cool brood of midgets.

That leaves one- the pink wearing blonde one. B.E.T.H.

The word stings my brain, like a tiger's chomping down on my skull!

I walked over and overheard their conversation about some kind of slingshot.

What- Why did they want a slingshot?

Wait- can they see my thoughts on the bottom screen?

"WILL YOU GET IT FOR US LINK?!" She practically screamed in my face, "WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY!"

"GA!" I answered "OKAY!"

I left, hoping that they didn't see my thoughts.

If they didn't, I was okay for now.

If they did, I was dead.

So, naturally, my mission was to get the pebble throwing toy at the shop.

Wait, what? I only have 4 rupees? It's 30 rupees?! Gawd. Link is poor!

"Kay- I guess I have to go throw some pumpkins." I marched off proudly towards the pumpkin patch where all of the good money producing fruits lie.

I walked over to the patch by the large stone extending out of the ground and the pond- type –thing beside it. I threw one; one rupee, another… FIVE! Hells yeah! I threw the other two; nothing. What a rip off.

"HEY! STOP WASTING FOOD!"

"I'm not wasting food, I'm just throwing orange things to get money, aimed at a plateau, which you are standing on…. That's all…"

"Try to talk to me using Z(target) and A to talk!"

Why? Why must I talk to EVERYONE?!

I just wanted rupees.

My face seemed to form into what was called a frown. My pupils widened, the edge of my mouth curved downward into a rainbow on my face.

Except it was only one color.

BUM-MMER!

The old guy talked to me for a while before he told me he'd like to hear a song, and that I should play him one with some bird shaped grass over on the other rock.

I did so, and, surprisingly, a giant bird came to me, and … and… I didn't know what to do with it! It was on my arm, a large hawk that could as soon bit my head off as flown away.

I let it go, there's no use to it if I can't do anything destructive with it.

I decided to blow this Popsicle stand and swim for a while.

So I jumped into the body of water floating below me like a little duck that flies in the air. (Hopefully the duck isn't rabid)

I swam and swam, until I decided to get out.

Yeah that's right. I decided to get out.

I ran and ran until I got to my house.

Rusl passed me, he said I had something waiting in my room.

"Link-" The midgets called.

I ignored them. No use in paying attention, I have a present in my house waiting for me. OOH! What if it's a sword?

I sped up the ladder like spider man and jumped into the door, and sure enough; there was the chest- waiting for someone to open it.

So- I did.

Wonder what's inside….

--

Sorry, that probably totally sucked, but OH WELLZ! It's all in fun and games!

I'd like to add that I was eating an orange at this time so that's why my hands are sticky… but you'd only know that if you were sitting right next to me and would be feeling my hands… Even if we were the best of friends, like Kelsem and I, I would not let you feel my hand.

Sorry for you stalkers. It's just not happening.

Thanks!

Oh! I should update next week.

This was a short one, but I plan for them to be a little longer.


	2. Chapter 2: Monkey Trouble

Hey! I'm back and right now I'm listening to American Idiot by Green Day.

Just thought I'd add that in.

Ima incorporate some of my OC's and so you might not know, but they also appeared in "_Retards Attempt the Twilight Realm_".

Their names are Malik and Skilly Willy (Will).

If your small inadequate brain can handle reviewing, please do. (Most of you can, unless you're a complete moron who forgets their name every 2 minutes)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. If I did Zelda'd be black haired and be an awesome shade.

--

I named it swordy. That's right, my first sword (a lame wooden one) was named swordy.

What do you expect? I'm a teenager with raging hormones! I'm almost incapable of not naming something out-of-the-ordinarily. (?)

Oh, and for those of you who didn't get the clue, the sword was in the case. That's right. I know things.

Swordy and I walked down to the village alone, but somehow, by the time I got to the creek, my two loser friends were behind me.

One, the gay one, or that's what we thought, is Malik. He makes friendship bracelets, and is a master archer. He hangs around me and I don't know why. I think he's a cousin of Colin's or something.

The other one is Will, who's the druggie. I also don't know why I hung around him. He's always stealing something and snorting another. I guess we hang around with each other because he's the one who taught me to smash pumpkins so we can get money.

None of us ever really did speak, unless we were spoken to by an elder. They talked sometimes when they wanted to talk about what kind of fish they caught in the stream, even though there's only two, and when Will's hitting Malik senseless.

I never talked.

And I don't know why. Odd how video games work, isn't it?

Will said something to me, but I couldn't make it out. Probably something about teddy bears and coffee.

Then he kicked me.

And once again, I don't know why.

He pointed at something in the distance. There was a monkey on a rock! I MUST GET IT!

I passed by Colin's mom and she stopped me as she leaned back from the stream.

"Oh! I'm sorry. Hey, Link, have you seen a baby's cradle? If you find it please bring it to me."

Great. More needy people.

I hopped up on the rocks by the stream and blew the hawk-shaped grass. Within a few seconds, a gigantic bird was on my arm. I aimed it at that squealing monkey and off it flew. Such a majestic birdie.

BOOM! THE MONKEY WAS DOWN!

Okay, well maybe not that violent. But we got the basket.

I loved that bird. It attacked things when I commanded it. IMA NAME IT BILL!

I jumped onto the other rock, with the man that I still hadn't talked to, and hopped down.

My "friends" were still there, one waiting like a complete fangirl, and then the other like a complete idiot druggie, as always.

"So what we gonna do now guys?!"

"Shut up, gay boy."

"I'm. Not. Gay."

"That's only what you want us to think so we won't hit on you."

"Listen, if I was gay, I'd definitely NOT date a loser like you. I'd go for Link."

My eyes widened and I pretended not to hear as my back was turned to them. I don't like men. I like women. Like Illia. She's a girl… isn't she? Now that you think of it, where is that damn girl anyway? Does she have my horse again? Where am I? Who am I?  
"Link-"

Oh yeah, that's who I was.  
"You dead, buddy? You kinda had a really long brain fart."

I signed _where's Malik?_ But just then, I realized I didn't care. He told me anyway.

"He went home because I kept calling him gay, and wondered if he had a boyfriend. He said no and I told him you were available."

I cocked an eyebrow at him.

"What? Oh yeah, you're with that Illia girl, aren't you. You done it yet?"

He was always so perverted. For one, I wasn't really _with_ Illia. She was with me. And for two, THIS IS A CHILDREN'S GAME!

I ignored him and walked away. I prefer not to associate myself in such an activity.

GAH! There's nothing to do in this goddamned town!

Oh crap, I forgot to bring her her cradle.

I snatched the cradle from beside me and bolted off to Colin's mom.

She thanked me, as usual, but this time she told me to come to her house…

Suspicious activity…

She gave me a fishing rod.

Well this is lame! What kind of monsters am I going to kill with this?! Swamp algae? I was bummed. I wanted a rainbow pony to replace Epona. She's really needy lately. She always needs the food, and the water. Jeez, she's always calling for attention.

I caught a fish and recorded it. Oh, WHAT fun. I caught another, but the good-for-nothing cat stole it!

Gah, I hate this town.

I decided to go back to my house and relax for the rest of the afternoon.

I started to walk and I started to play with my new sword. I mowed the lawn in front of my house. I probably would have gotten into Good Housekeeping magazine if it had been invented.

But shhh, you weren't supposed to know that.

Once again, I come to my house and there are those little twirps, standing there with hopeful looks on their faces. I started to talk to them and they just asked to teach them more illegal activites.

They wanted me to teach them how to use a weapon. How old are they? 2? Well, maybe not, but that's what it seemed like. The way they act.

Okay, sue me. I taught them how to use the sword. I guess my mischievous side got to me, it snuck up on me, rather.

"HEY!" Oh god, he spotted a monkey. "YOU GET BACK HERE!"

Great, the little hoodlum was going to go kill a monkey with a stick.

First of all, don't use a stick. You get something more sharp. Like… let's just say a mace. Those are those spiky ball things on chains, for you playing 'Get That Monkey' at home.

Again, I had to chase after the little hooligan. I just love playing babysitter.

I just taught them how to use a weapon! What good _can't_ come of that? Oh yeah, they could die…

Oh well!

--

Thank you, Thank you , you are too kind.

I don't know when I'll update again… so sorry.

I've been writing a lot today, and I write when I'm happy, so LETS Just HOPE I'm HAPPY Tomorrow! I wrote this, a poem, and a part to my story! So let's just see what happens next!

Peace out homies.

Hopefully you liked Malik. He owns all, just to let you know. So praise him and his fruitiness. Will is just a druggie I incorporate in my story sometimes. His first line ever in my book was "WATAHMELONS!" , Or something like that.

Review, please, if your mind can handle it.

In the words of my Geography Teacher – "Think, if at all possible."


End file.
